In this edition of the conservative Christian news, we take a look at a church that is definitely not going the way of the world.
King James Revivalists
A local Christian church has decided to rededicate itself to the Bible.However, it's not what you might think. They're going back to their roots. Waaaayy back to their roots. The former First Christian Church of Phoenix has renamed itself to the King James Revivalists Church.
"The church dost begat a different means of communication with all the brethren," says Pastor Rick Mann. In modern terms, the church has made the decision to go exclusively to King James English.
The decision was made based on the need to form a more "spiritualized" identity. Church officials figured they would go against the grain of trying to adapt to the culture.
"Why would thou confine thyself to the path of the world?" asked Elder Stan Johnson, a member for 37 years.
Initially the decision met some resistance with the younger generations in the church. Not everyone thought that converting their speech was the way to get more people in the door.
"Dost any other souls speak in this manner?" questioned 17 year-old Haley Reicker.
"Thus is wack," retorted Will Gillespie, a 19 year old attendee. "My brethren at...oh forget this! My friends at school are gonna beat me up over this crap. This is just embarrasing."
Despite objections by 97% of the members under the age of 40, there are no immediate plans to convert back to modern day English. However, in a show of good faith towards outsiders, the church has decided to employ a translator that will be available via headphones for visitors.
"Why wouldst we want to keep thou from the reach of the congregation?" questioned Pastor Mann. As of press time, the King James translator was unavailable for comment. However, it is believed that the Pastor meant he didn't want to leave anyone out.
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